


Ache No More

by SkySamuelle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Marauders' Era, Reincarnation, Romantic Friendship, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 04:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4733291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkySamuelle/pseuds/SkySamuelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Lily still feels herself reaching out for Severus. A series of vignettes showing how soulmates come in all the shapes and sizes... Or, Lily's life after a certain friendship' falling out, in defining, Severus-shaped moments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. May 24 th , 1980

_May 24_ _th_ _, 1980_

"So Harry is perfect…but if it's a girl—"

"—which is unlikely—"

"—but if it is, no flowery names."

"Right. What you'll need is a short name, not something pretentious like, let's say—"

"We wouldn't call my daughter something like your harpy of a mother's name!"

"Thank you; I trusted your judgment at least that much. I was saying…something short but not smutty."

"Damn right. No Louisas—"

"I knew one Louisa, she was rather—"

"—busy under the table two seconds after you met her? "

A booming laugh exploded in the living room, forcing Lily to bite the inside of her cheek to not give herself away. It wasn't exactly simple for a seven-month-pregnant woman to pretend to be asleep on the couch while her husband and his best friend clandestinely discussed baby names in her hearing, but her efforts were entirely rewarded. This was possibly one of the most absurd, random conversations in the history of the English language. Maybe she should have been bothered that James was broaching thematter with one very unserious Sirius Black before even voicing his suggestions to his very _patient_ wife, but…she simply wasn't.

She wasn't even surprised, to be completely honest, because it wasn't the first time her rascal of a husband had felt more at ease confiding in his faithful pet instead of coming to her with a problem. She supposed it came naturally; Sirius and James went back a long way, long before she had begun to consider them as more than just a pair of brainless bullies. Sirius knew and understood parts of James that Lily probably ignored, no matter how in love she was with him.

She wouldn't wantit any other way.

Even when the closeness between the two leading Marauders seemed to exclude her she had never been jealous, nor had she ever felt like it diminished their marriage. She understood how it was, after all, having a friend who was at your side every step of the way, guiding you and laughing with you, screaming with you when you were angry, cheering you up when you were sad, and forgiving you when you were too witty for your own good. Seeing everything about you and letting you know you were loved and accepted.

Lily understood because she remembered how easy life felt when you were a child and the whole world revolved around you and your best friend. You thought the sun shone out of his scrawny ass and you were sure it would never change, even when you were old, petulant, and wrinkled. She understood because when she had first learnt she was pregnant, her first irrational impulse was to run to Severus to beg him for any form of confirmation that she wouldn't make a horrible mother…then she remembered that they had not shared a polite conversation in a long time.

Funny how maturity takes away things you used to take for granted and gives back others you never expected. Self-consciously her fingers lingered on her no longer flat stomach in a protective, tender caress.

_Yet, it was never the same again._

She loved James in every way a woman could love a man, but…he was like the sun: stand too close and you either get overwhelmed or burnt. Sometimes she thought she would never have come to terms with the rougher edges of his personality if she had not been completely and utterly in love with him.

But loving Severus Snape – the child he had been, anyway – used to come unconditionally and impulsively. It felt fully natural, almost the same way it felt today, natural and innocent love like that she had for the child that was slowly growing inside her. Because in some sense, Severus had been part of her –a deep, central part which tore out when he became cold and inexplicably alien. She was glad this was a loss James didn't have to face, especially in a time of war, even if it did mean having an unexpected guest storming in and out her house whenever he pleased.

"Lily? Have we awakened you?" James' voice came suddenly from off to her right.

"Mmh?"

"Your favourite stag is asking if you're awake, which you most evidently are not," a second male said in a sing-song voice, soft and low, on her left.

Lily Potter slowly opened her green eyes, smiling. "But I am, Padfoot. I'm awake."


	2. September 13th, 1978

_September 13_ _th_ _, 1978_

Lily had spent a wonderful morning shopping in Diagon Alley. There was something wonderful in knowing that, regardless of the violence spreading so easily in their world, witches could still take their mind off the fear and the horror for few hours, taking joy in actions as simple as trying on a new dress or choosing a new book.

It was almost a miracle that she managed to get free of James' hyper-protective streak for a few hours; her boyfriend would never have let her go if she'd told him she was going by herself. Purebloods and their ancient chivalry! She was perfectly able to defend herself – and she needed some time for herself, to just be Lily Evans, not Potter's neurotic girlfriend. She loved him, but sometimes it felt as if James was taking over her whole life, drawing her into his orbit and erasing all that she thought she'd be. It wasn't entirely his fault; it was the war, with tensions and suspicions pushing everybody and everything beyond ordinary bounds. James had already lost his parents, and Lily was risking hers. At any other time she would be grateful for the insistence with which James had pulled her into his world, for the comfort of his love and the support offered by his unwavering friends.

Today, instead, it was okay to be just Lily Evans, because she knew it wouldn't last long. Not to judge by the ring James had been carrying around hidden in his pocket for at least the past week, full of the jitters, or by the muttered conversations she had occasionally surprised him having with Sirius. James Potter would propose and Lily Evans would say yes, there was never the slightest doubt about it in her head; they were in love and as happy together as any couple could be in their circumstances, even with the Death Eaters threatening to tear apart wizarding Britain. There was not a lot of time to lose.

So she just had to wait it out and enjoy her final days of independence.

Lily went to Slug and Jiggers Apothecary and was investigating with vivid curiosity the new arrivals lined up on the innumerable shelves when she saw _Him_.

She had turned, one hand curled around a jar of wormwood, trying desperately to remember if her supply of hellebore was about used up when she spotted a familiar dark, greasy-looking head. Her eyes focused on a black-cloaked figure and there as no doubt in her mind: the tall man across the room was Severus Snape.

Lily turned her head away swiftly, half-tempted to hide behind the nearest shelf. Certainly it would be stupid beyond belief; she couldn't possibly be afraid of someone whom she used to blackmail into braiding her hair. She looked again; Severus was talking with a certain Lucius Malfoy and his pale, expressionless face spoke for him, his mouth barely moving. Lily could imagine his voice was just as void of expression, yet smooth enough to distract any listener's senses.

It was one of the things she had first noticed about him, when they were children and he enchanted her evenings with tales of the wizarding world; she would look up from a book to his face and his features would be unreadable, even while his voice wrapped silkily around legends and ancient customs, spells and forgotten lineages, gently coaxing her imagination into unimagined universes.

The powerful wave of anger that surged within her chest and violently invaded her heart caught her by surprise.

_How could you, Severus?_

She almost felt an urge to saunter up and shake him hard, to demand what he was doing with his life.

_You're not like them! You never have been, you never will be!_

She wanted to scream at him about how his father was still a Muggle, and the blood of any Snape he cared to name was no less "muddy" than hers. But it wasn't her place to act that way, not today, not here; they were nothing to each other now. Severus had stopped trying to win her trust back when she started dating James. He had ignored her since then; if they so much as casually crossed paths his gaze barely touched her, as if she was without significance, unworthy of the slightest interest. For all she knew, that was exactly what he thought now; after all, it was he who had started slipping through her fingers little by little, with his obsessive interest in the Dark Arts and the snobbish, questionable company he kept. It was _he_ who had betrayed _her_ friendship, at a time when she had virulently despised James and Sirius out of loyalty toward a best friend who refused to confess to her how far their bullying went

" _I don't need help from a filthy little Mudblood,"_ Severus had told her on one of those days, but Lily's ears barely registered the horrible insult; his rejection thundered in her mind. No, the contempt embedded in his voice was what felt like a slap –the poison she used to sense so often in his words when he spoke of his father, suddenly directed at _her,_ she who had always been his confidante, his refuge.

Reminiscence stung again and Lily was suddenly ashamed of feeling so much for someone who didn't really exist any more. The man who stood not too far from her might be a Death Eater already, and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference because his mind was like a blank slate to her.

_What's happened to you, Sev? What has made you hate me – made you hate yourself so much that you would fall so low? What have you done with the weasel who won over my mum by Transfiguring roses for her, just so he could stay for dinner?_

Here he was, not the same boy who shared her summers and her secrets, and the spunky, trusting girl she used to be was gone with him. If for nothing else, she should hate him for that. Yet when their gazes clashed for the shortest moment Severus felt nothing like a stranger. Lily could have sworn she was spotted and recognized, but then he dismissed her, leaving her with nothing but a bitter taste on her tongue.

_The usual…._

She squared her shoulders, shaking off the weird déjà vu-like sensation, turning away from a scene which was of no concern to her. Her pace was swift but confident as her feet carried her out of the Apothecary; the door was already closed behind her back before she realized she had not made any of the purchases she had intended to. She walked on in the sunlight.

Her mind held the image of a sallow-skinned stranger with an eternally frowning face and frigid onyx eyes. It overlapped with another picture: a skinny, sharp-witted child who smiled rarely and when he did it was because of her; his smile lit up a whole room…her whole world.

" _Sev, we're going to be friends forever, right? Even if Hogwarts isn't all it's cracked up to be?"_ she'd whispered in his ear one of those nights before they left for their first adventure away from home, her heart hammering with both excitement and the fear that she wouldn't fit in at their new school. He had silently crawled inside her bedroom through her window and they hid under the covers, innocently holding on to each other in the darkness.

" _Gee, Lily, why are you picking today to act like a_ _girl? Of course our friendship will last forever! We make the best team!"_

" _Promise?"_

Her memory blended those two faces, so different, and they blurred into a rich, mournful mist.

"This is not hatred," she muttered to herself as she walked along.

 


	3. April 2, 1979

_April 2, 1979_

It was the day of her parents' funeral and Lily could sense her sister barely managing to glare resentfully at her while she cried and sobbed. Probably Petunia was thinking her composure during the whole ceremony was nothing less than indecent; Lily's eyes were perfectly dry and her face felt coolly numb.

It didn't matter how easy it was then, envying her sibling's public expression of grief; it was never in her nature to express her deeper feelings so wildly. Her mother and father were gone; her mind knew it, but her heart couldn't feel believe they were gone, regardless of her attempts. She just didn't seem able to grasp the concept; it didn't _feel_ like they were gone, so were they really? Behind her, Sirius stood scowling fiercely back at Petunia while James silently supported Lily, wrapping one protective arm around her waist.

Once in a while, Lily allowed her gaze to wander around, searching for a sallow, absent face. If Severus had come, she wouldn't have wondered if he'd had something to do with her parents' deaths, barely one week after her marriage. Each and every time her husband had tried to approach the matter (last night, for example) she rebuffed him so gracelessly that the expression of bewildered concern on his face would have struck her as comical under any other circumstance.

_"Lily, listen -"_

_"We won't talk about it now, James."_

_"It's natural to wonder -"_

_"Not. Now."_

_"If I could get my hands on Snivellus -"_

_"Hogwarts is over, James. Stop calling him that!"_

_"Lily, you know you can confide in me about anything, right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"When you feel ready to talk...."_

_"When I feel ready, I'll talk."_

James didn't understand, of course. James quite often didn't get some things until they smacked him in the face. Sometimes she thought this was possibly one of the reasons their relationship workeds so well; as weird as it was, this lack of vulnerability toward him had always made her feel tougher, more adult.

There weren't many things she was certain about any more, but that Severus Snape could not be involved in _these_ deaths, Death Eater or not, was one of them. She remembered far too well the way he used to glance covertly at her father whenever the older man said something sarcastic or plainly pragmatic; there was admiration in Severus' face. They used to talk with quiet familiarity when he came over. Her mother was always kind to her best friend, inviting him for lunch or dinner whenever the occasion arose, never failing to call him over when she baked cookies or tried a new cake recipe.

Even after their ugly falling-out in fifth year, as she spent whole the term trying to learn how to _no_ t be his friend, Severus still stopped with them at King's Cross Station as he waited for his mom's arrival, answering with his usual aloof politeness their questions about how his school year had gone. Severus liked her parents, in his way, although she suspected it would take Veritaserum to get him to admit it.

No, Lily could not accept he would do _this_ to her, regardless of whom she married. Yet once upon a time, she would never have believed she would hear him calling her Mudblood, either.

_How many careless betrayals does it take to butcher a friendship? To erase_ _its memories?_

Once she would have forgiven him anything; he might have set all of the Gryffindors against her, belittled Petunia, acted as if he would wish nothing better than to keep Lily tucked away and hidden in his pocket like some treasured private possession; Lily would still have forgiven and accepted.

Lily wondered if Severus Snape had ever known he could have aimed a wand at her head and she would have happily challenged him to Oblivate her. Hell, when they were nine years old and he accidentally Transfigured her right foot into moss-covered stone, she had gone to great lengths to hide it from her family, terrified that her parents would forbid her to see him again. They were lucky Eileen had discovered them when they were frantically rummaging among her books two days later or Merlin knows what else might have happened. Lily knew then that she had chosen him over her sister time after time until it was too late to repair things with Petunia .

_I loved you the most, moron. Did you notice? Did you see?_

Perhaps he would have not chosen Darkness, if he had ever truly cared enough to notice. It turned out to be the one thing she couldn't forgive him for.

Lily prayed that her blindness was not the reason she'd just lost whole her family.

 


	4. September 1, 2166

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life runs in circles and circles go on forever: some things cease to be just to begin anew.

_September 1, 2166_

_"Look at me."_

_Green eyes, consuming his pain with their brightness, absorbing slowly him from inside out as his consciousness obscured. The aching heaviness of limbs was a prison; his body became only the frustrating obstacle between him and the freedom he yearned for. He could feel himself falling inside those pale, welcoming depths. Losing himself...._

Ezra woke with a jolt and all he saw before him was a pair of amused green eyes, staring straight into his darker ones. Embarrassed, he clutched his large Charms book to himself, far too aware that it wouldn't serve to hide him from the girl grinning impishly from the seat across from his. Great, his first day at Hogwarts had not even begun and he was already making himself ridiculous.

"Sorry if I shook you," the girl said, sounding anything but sorry, "but I didn't think you'd want to miss our first ride on the Express."

Glancing around, Ezra was relieved to find the compartment empty except for the two of them. He might have dozed off, but at least there was only one spectator to his misfortune. It occurred to him that the girl had said _our_ first ride _,_ not _your_ first ride; she looked as if she might be about his age.

"You're a first year as well?" Ezra asked.

As his pale eyes seem to size her up, she sat up straighter. It was weird, but she felt the intensity of his gaze; it reminded her of dark, bottomless tunnels. Although his scrutiny was not friendly per se, she felt as if it welcomed her after a long absence. Suddenly it felt imperative to gain some sort of approval from this scowling newcomer.

"Yes," she answered, curling her lips in a brighter smile, "I'm Ariel Malfoy."

She extended her hand to him, but his scowl just got deeper, as if there was something about her he couldn't quite make up his mind about. Ariel decided it must be because she didn't _look_ like a Malfoy at all. She hadn't the willowy, ethereal figure of her older sister Selene, nor the regally sharp features of her older brother Darius. Her hair was bright red and curly rather than the trademark straight, silvery blonde. Instead she looked as if her parents had taken her from a streaming cauldron into which someone had poured a drop of blood from every one of her pureblood ancestors: she inherited the Bones' heart-shaped face, the Weasleys' legendary hair and freckles, and the Malfoys' anaemic pallor and eyes. Darius always made a point of teasing her about it.

" _Malfoy_? Are you related to Scorpius and Rose Malfoy, authors of the biography _Severus Snape: The Hero Behind The Legend_?"

The expression of greedy enthusiasm on the boy's face was a vivid contrast to the vaguely pompous tone of his voice; it somehow became him.

"They were my great-grandparents," she said eagerly, very pleased when he smiled back, finally accepting her proffered hand. His palm against hers felt almost unnaturally cool, yet the contact was somewhat warming.

"I'm Ezra Ollivander."

"Ollivander? My dad said that family line was extinguished in England when the last one moved to Germany. "

Ariel would never have guess she would think such a thing, but right now she was grateful for all the boring hours spent listening to her uncle and father going on and on about wizarding genealogies. Who knew this ancient rubbish would actually be of use? Besides, to be honest, she would use anything as an excuse to just keep on talking. Getting acquainted with potential new friends wasn't as easy as she'd anticipated.

"Yes, my grandfather went away after marrying a Muggle. He was a Squib, you know. I'm the first wizard in our family."

Ezra sounded so proud that Ariel didn't want to say she knew all about it; her uncle had been intrigued to learn all about the infamous _Ollivander's Diaries Of Studies On Wand Making_ , where the inheritance was left to eventual the next eventual magical spawn that should recur in the bloodline -and to nobody else.

She felt his enthusiasm as if it was her own. While they discussed the book, the train compartment filled up with older students with gloomy faces, who the two new friends were all too happy to ignore. At some point Ariel noticedthat talking with Ezra had suddenly become easy, natural, like remembering something you'd known well but had forgotten. She learned that Ezra admired Severus Snape a lot more than Harry Potter and that reading Snape's biography was what had kept him so enthralled the previous night that he had forgotten to go to sleep. Laughing in disbelief, she assured him that she didn't need to wonder which House he was aiming for.

"Slytherin wouldn't be bad," he admitted, nibbling at his Chocolate Frog, "but if I can choose, my mind is set on Ravenclaw."

"Really?"

"Think of it: Slytherin is the path of self-fulfilment, Gryffindor is the path of self-exultation, Hufflepuff is the path of self-acceptance. Ravenclaw pursues the knowledge that enables you to reach all three. It sounds like a sensible choice."

Somewhere in his words Ariel recognized the echo of a text she had recently read, but that didn't prevent her from being impressed by the adult way he spoke.

"If you've already memorized the author's notes on the epilogue of _Hogwarts: A History_ , I bet you'll get your wish," said Ariel as she wrinkled her nose a bit, disappointed.

The Malfoy family had been sorted into Slytherin for as many generations as the Weasleys had been sorted in Gryffindors; it didn't take a lot of imagination to suppose that her choice would be limited to those two alternatives.

"If you know enough to recognize that quote, we'll probably be housemates," replied Ezra.

Flattered, Ariel took a few moments to imagine herself in Ravenclaw robes, sitting by Ezra in the common room. The mental picture pleased her; it would be nice to put some distance between herself and her overbearing family's history - to be her own person.

"I'd like that."

For some reason, warmth flushed her cheeks as she admitted it. She pulled aside the thick purple drapes to get a better view of the countryside, seeking a distraction from the weird embarrassment. Sunlight seemed to filter in to gently kiss her ruddy head, making her look more earthly, almost fiercely warm.

Ezra observed the odd girl with curiosity; he had never had a real friend before. Kids at the other school always considered him freakish because of his greyish complexion and large, moonlight-coloured eyes. "Little grey owl," they used to call him behind his back. But Ariel seemed determined to act like he was cool, and her appearance was no more common than his. Her eyes, he noticed now in this new light, were not green but gleamed with the unmistakable sheen of silver. Oddly, some fraction of his brain was still irrevocably certain it was _supposed to_ be green and not silver.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seven years later, Ariel accepted his proposal in the same train compartment, laughing giddily in his arms as he explained why the beautiful stone in her engagement ring was an emerald.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure people will be wondering why I'm ending the story this way (i.e., with a chapter which has almost nothing to do with the previous ones), but since this was meant to be a tale about the distance between two people, it felt right to close it when this gap between is mended. Plus, I am a sucker for reincarnation stories and I wanted to give those two crazy kids an happier ending without going against canon.


End file.
